What a difference a year makes. For the past few weeks, I’ve found myself constantly saying I’m eager to go back to school. I keep thinking it’s because that I’m desperate for a change. A change in scenery. A change in pace. Simply a change in the day to day life I’ve been living since May. My summer has been busy, but it wouldn’t exactly be what you call stressful. College exams are stressful. Registering for courses and buying textbooks is stressful. Living in a new place is stressful. That being said, I shouldn’t be stressed at home, right? Current life isn’t exactly what you call stressful, but I have found myself anxious, ready for something to distract me from current circumstances that apparently aren’t ideal to my standards. So that’s the solution I’ve come to in my current predicament. My solution. A change.

“Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different…” – Prince Caspian

*disclaimer, if you Google the origin of this quote, you will come across that it is not actually said by Prince Caspian. You will also come across aggressive internet comments/debates from spirited C.S. Lewis fans. Viewer discretion is advised.

 So as I sit here about to write my first blog in almost THREE MONTHS, I look back on the past year and the changes that have occurred in my life since transitioning from naive high school senior to a now seasoned college sophomore.

And may I say, what a difference a year makes.

 As I’m writing this, I also look back and wonder how I even became a college sophomore in the first place, when I’m still not sure if I even passed my PSSA’s (There are also other things adult life has brought me that I’m still not quite sure how I obtained. For example, these include a semi-normal group of friends, an averagely good GPA and a valid driver’s license). So I sit here and type for the first time since May, wanting to address another issue: my blogging absence. I would like to formally apologize to my avid crapgivers (Once again, Mom and Dad, you make the blog), for my lack of activity. Some would call it a hiatus for laziness, but I like to call it a summer vacation for my blog…a blog-cation. I wish I could tell you I spent my free minutes in the last 3 months churning ideas for great blogs this coming year and preparing to kick butt in the impending school year…but I cannot tell you that. So, because of how this summer panned out, I can’t make up any white lies about all the great (non-existent) ideas I have for my blog. Fortunately, however, I can tell you who was voted off Bachelor in Paradise last night. The drama.

In less than two weeks I will be packing up my room for the second time, making the four hour trek to the glamorous town of Poughkeepsie, and beginning my journey as a college sophomore. Oh what a difference a year makes. As I began packing the first suitcase today, and no my clothes aren’t folded to my mom’s standards, I realized I am filled with eagerness and excitement to get back to Marist. In the past year, I experienced what college is like. I had a taste of freedom, a little more than a taste of how fun college can be, and a whole entire plate of the reality of being a college student. College is a lot of work and a lot of play, and if you can find the right balance, you’re in for the best four years of your life. Luckily, I did…eventually. 

I can picture it like it was yesterday, even though it was 365 days ago. I was packing the same suitcase in the same room, preparing to take on freshman year. The feeling of eagerness still there, but unlike many kids in my situation, there was no excitement. I found none as the days passed, as much as I pretended there was for family and friends. I simply did not want to go. I didn’t want to leave friends and relationships at home. I didn’t want to start a life somewhere else. I was happy at home and I am notorious for hating change. I did not want to go at all. But I pretended I did for the sake of my parents and myself, and I threw myself into the college experience. Looking back, if I had known what my freshman year was going to be like, and knowing how scared I was before leaving, I would have told myself to be a lot more scared. 

I didn’t become happy at school until the moment I realized it was okay to admit I wasn’t 100% happy. I wasn’t best friends with my roommates. I didn’t love going out as much as I thought I should. I missed home more than the healthy amount. I wasn’t 100% sure of my major. It wasn’t until March of freshman year in a 2am crying phone call to my mother that I realized it was okay to admit I was unhappy at school. As soon as I admitted this to myself, I felt as though a weight was lifted and a switch flipped. I wasn’t unhappy enough to consider transferring, but I was unhappy enough that changes needed to be made. My first year at college has taught me when the going gets tough, you have to simply be tougher. So I took the steps to make those changes. They were baby steps at first, but every Olympic sprinter has to take a first stride. Suddenly, it all fell into place like clockwork.

And what a difference a year makes. 

I sit on my bed staring at the same suitcase I packed a year ago. It’s filled with jeans and t-shirts and clothes to get me through the awkward hot-cold months of September and October. I leave for college in 8 days. One year ago, I was a wreck, not wanting to leave relationships with people from home, and the life I had known and was comfortable with for the last 18 years. Now, one year later, I’m leaving for the same college that I know is right for me, even if I wasn’t sure at times. I’m leaving home confident in the few relationships I have left with old friends. I leave knowing who the people are that can withstand distance, mainly because they are the ones that already have. I leave knowing my family has my back come hell or high-water, and I leave knowing it’s okay to look around and ask for help. Most importantly, I leave knowing I’m going back to the best friends I have ever had, and the best people I’ve ever met. So yeah, a year does make a difference. My first year of college and my first summer home has been the most mentally and emotionally challenging of my life. I’ve matured and learned a lot about myself and others, lessons I would not have learned through any other experience. I’ve learned hearts break, I’ve learned dreams don’t go as planned, I’ve learned you have to be physically and mentally self sufficient, and lastly, you can’t give out trust like Oprah gives out cars. Not everyone is going to love every single thing about their school. No college is a perfect fit, and that’s okay.

So I look at the same black suitcase, with some of the same clothes, with the same denim jacket I’ve had since 6th grade. There’s some new pairs of shoes and some new jeans. Trends have changed and the clothes inside are more hip than last seasons. Some clothes I’ve even thrown out. From the outside, the suitcase looks the same. Black. Heavy. Slightly more weathered, but mostly unchanged. I like to think I’m like the suitcase. Generally unchanged. I’m the same height I was 365 days ago, same weight (hopefully), my hair slightly longer and blonder, my face slightly older. From the outside, I look the same. But on the inside, I’m stronger and braver than I ever was.

You’d know this because, much like the suitcase, you have to look inside to see what a difference a year makes.